And even though I learned a great deal (topics of the lectures were diverse, ranging from how to define success to a crash course in 3D printing) and I had a great time with some of my SNAG family, I really feel like the experience has thrown me into an identity crisis as far as my work goes.
Geez, I just got finished telling you that I'm in love with what I do... and now I feel like a hypocrite. I'm still in love, but now I'm wondering if I have been unfaithful in some way.
By the end of the day my circuits were so fried I wanted to come home and have a nervous breakdown. I looked around at what I was making and none of it felt good enough. It felt like "amulet" was just another label I was trying to impose on myself. Yes, I am interested in how we use amulets to shape our thoughts and actions, but are fancy titles really that important? Now I think that all this "experimentation" with my ideas and materials was just another mask I was trying to put on instead of doing the hard work of trying to find my own voice, a distraction rather than a journey. What am I most excited about creating? What do I really care about saying? What can I uniquely offer?
Dammit, those are hard questions, and I don't have the answers. Soul-searching time.
I love working with enamel most of all... molten glass makes me feel like a bad ass. And I have to admit, I really (really) enjoyed taking a hammer to that stained glass... I never get to break things, ever. To break something in an act of creation felt really contrary and freeing.
I love symbols... I'm really Jungian in that way. I believe that symbols help us make sense of our world, but I've been too hung up on the idea that my audience has to know and understand the symbols that I'm using. The one luxury I'm afforded as an artist is that I don't have to explain myself... so, I am going to stop explaining my own symbology. It's personal. If you really want to know, you can ask.
The things I really care about making aren't the ones that have fancy or expensive materials... I like unique stones, I like getting dirty, I like feeling a connection to the earth. The things I really care about making are the things that are about the journey, about the hard-fought steps and the simple, unadulterated, solitary triumphs.
I feel better. Thank God. That's a decent start. Let's get moving.
You have the heart of a true artist, and you are right - no defending is necessary. I write a blog, and at times it is very personal, maybe too much so. I've had people question it, referring that it was about 'them' (it wasn't). You can do the pretty, shiny, colorful stuff to make money and then you can do the dirty, scruffy, breaking-glass kind of projects in your spare time, but I'm willing to guess at some point people will want to see ALL that you create, because that is what you do; create! :)
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